Relapse and recovery

I have to come clean. I've had a social media relapse. Yet again, it lured me back with the same false promises I've rejected before. This time it was Bluesky, which perhaps should be lauded for deviating from the norms of ad-powered algorithms of other corporate socials, but unfortunately still has the same detrimental effect on my creativity and self-worth.

I've spent a couple of months posting as of writing this and I can't say I've gained anything from the time spent there. Everyone are too busy posting their own things to bother with you. When you finally engage with someone they suddenly disappear because they've also realized how fruitless it is and just gave up. You're faced with the same ethereal mindset to "content"; everything is quickly devoured and forgotten, everyone rushing to see the next thing. People's attention nucleating around a special few, regardless of true merit. It leaves me struggling with my own entitlement and resentment; with my eagerness to share and connect where there is in actuality no potential; and with my self destructive willingness to compare myself to those that fare better.

I don't tolerate crowds and I can't perform in a busy environment. I am autistic after all, and it's probably time that I admit some of the facts about where, when and how I can thrive. I've regularly been thrown into periods of burnout throughout my life and I am currently struggling to navigate myself out of one that has lasted many years. Accepting that there are a great many things that hijack my energy which do not affect others, has been difficult. Be it internalized ableism, or what ever reason...

I'm aware that I've kept putting the cart before the horse in regards to gaining an audience. It's hard to not feel entitled to some attention when you see so many of less talent (not being derogatory, just that they're in an earlier stage with their skills) that have massive followings. Why them, and not me, you go on to think (though I know why). I've also been compelled to see it as my way out of traditional employment; That I must build a business on enough of an audience so I can escape the cuboid torture chambers. This has led me to obsess over audience growth which has drained a lot of energy that should've gone into improving my skills. The actual skills that can gain real attention and build bigger things.

It will be at a slow pace though. I'm too tired to push. This is mostly a call to focus the energy I have and forgive myself for the times when I have none.

Just keep making stuff!

Published 2 May 2025

Thanks for reading!